I want to take this time to honor a very special human being: John Magnus. He died June 16 at 9:40 am, leaving behind a mass of people who grieve the loss of such a beautiful life.
In simple words, he was my mentor and artistic director. But he was so much more than that.
Before I met him, I was facing a lot of rejection in the dance world because of my age (I was 20) and because I was technically behind everyone else. (I had started ballet at the late age of 16) It wasn't until I auditioned for him that I got my first glimpse of hope. After the class he took me aside and gave it me to real, like he always did. He said, "You have a lot to fix but you have a lovely talent. If you work really hard, you can have a wonderful career. But you have to work hard. And love the work."
I stayed with him for four years. And boy, did I have a lot to work on! But that glimmer of hope that I had in the beginning because he believed in me, stayed with me. The more I knew, the more I realized that I didn't know and sometimes it was hard to believe in myself. But I knew that he did. And if he did, then I would find the belief somewhere, too. And on I would go.
While I was bettering myself as a dancer and artist, I was simultaneously trying to better myself as a person. Some unaddressed and traumatic life events from my childhood were getting in the way of taking my dancing to the next level. It was evident every day when I came into the studio to work. I could only push myself so far because I had an emotional blockage. He saw that. He pointed it out. I was in denial. I remember the day when I was finally ready to look at reality. It hurt. I could not get out of bed to come to the studio. I could not look at myself. I called him to tell him what I was going through. I was so sad when I called him but by the time I hung up, I was inspired. I will never forget some of the things that he said to me on the phone that day. They were the words that I carried with me on this journey that I had decided to take. It still remains the hardest thing that I ever had to do but the most rewarding. And he was my light in the dark. His voice guided me through the process. And yes, I did it on my own but he gave me the tools.
He used to say that "Miracles don't just happen. They are created." I am living proof of his philosophy. I stopped being a victim. I took control of my life. While I was learning and growing he used to joke and say, "When am I going to get to see it? I am an old man,you know. I won't be here forever. I want to see it before I die. Otherwise I'll have to come back and haunt you." I am so grateful that he did get to see it. I saw him the day before he moved from Portland. While we sat and drank coffee we spoke about ballet and where I was headed. He could tell that I was happy and so that made him happy.
He alway had bigger dreams for me than I had for myself. He instilled that in me. I now challenge myself to dream bigger than I think possible. If you shoot for the stars, you might make it to the moon. You never know.
My goal is to inspire people the way that he inspired people. To spark change the way that he sparked change in others. To have that much passion every day. To have that much vivaciousness and strength in my old age. To find beauty in every day that I get to live. To leave a mark on this world the way that he did.
I will carry him close to my heart forever. Never has another person known me the way that he did. He saw me. He saw me before I had even seen myself. He just wanted me to see what he saw. And he succeeded. What an incredible gift! Through his love, patience, encouragement and wisdom, I came to love and know myself. There really is no greater gift than that. I would take the pain of losing him than to live a life free from sorrow. For I did not know how rich life could be before him. I did not know that the truth really will set you free. Because of him, I was able to free myself from the chains that I had put on years ago. Thank you, thank you, thank you for opening my eyes to this gorgeous life that I get to live every day!
My heart goes out to family, friends but especially Jeffrey Stocker, his life partner. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. You knew him on a level that nobody else did. You knew his heart and he knew yours. I know that you are aware how much he loved you and I hope that you find some peace in knowing how loved you are too. I grieve for myself but also for you. I am glad you were there to hold his hand and show him love. I look forward to seeing you again.
The pictures that follow are to honor his choreography and beautiful vision.
In simple words, he was my mentor and artistic director. But he was so much more than that.
Before I met him, I was facing a lot of rejection in the dance world because of my age (I was 20) and because I was technically behind everyone else. (I had started ballet at the late age of 16) It wasn't until I auditioned for him that I got my first glimpse of hope. After the class he took me aside and gave it me to real, like he always did. He said, "You have a lot to fix but you have a lovely talent. If you work really hard, you can have a wonderful career. But you have to work hard. And love the work."
I stayed with him for four years. And boy, did I have a lot to work on! But that glimmer of hope that I had in the beginning because he believed in me, stayed with me. The more I knew, the more I realized that I didn't know and sometimes it was hard to believe in myself. But I knew that he did. And if he did, then I would find the belief somewhere, too. And on I would go.
While I was bettering myself as a dancer and artist, I was simultaneously trying to better myself as a person. Some unaddressed and traumatic life events from my childhood were getting in the way of taking my dancing to the next level. It was evident every day when I came into the studio to work. I could only push myself so far because I had an emotional blockage. He saw that. He pointed it out. I was in denial. I remember the day when I was finally ready to look at reality. It hurt. I could not get out of bed to come to the studio. I could not look at myself. I called him to tell him what I was going through. I was so sad when I called him but by the time I hung up, I was inspired. I will never forget some of the things that he said to me on the phone that day. They were the words that I carried with me on this journey that I had decided to take. It still remains the hardest thing that I ever had to do but the most rewarding. And he was my light in the dark. His voice guided me through the process. And yes, I did it on my own but he gave me the tools.
He used to say that "Miracles don't just happen. They are created." I am living proof of his philosophy. I stopped being a victim. I took control of my life. While I was learning and growing he used to joke and say, "When am I going to get to see it? I am an old man,you know. I won't be here forever. I want to see it before I die. Otherwise I'll have to come back and haunt you." I am so grateful that he did get to see it. I saw him the day before he moved from Portland. While we sat and drank coffee we spoke about ballet and where I was headed. He could tell that I was happy and so that made him happy.
He alway had bigger dreams for me than I had for myself. He instilled that in me. I now challenge myself to dream bigger than I think possible. If you shoot for the stars, you might make it to the moon. You never know.
My goal is to inspire people the way that he inspired people. To spark change the way that he sparked change in others. To have that much passion every day. To have that much vivaciousness and strength in my old age. To find beauty in every day that I get to live. To leave a mark on this world the way that he did.
I will carry him close to my heart forever. Never has another person known me the way that he did. He saw me. He saw me before I had even seen myself. He just wanted me to see what he saw. And he succeeded. What an incredible gift! Through his love, patience, encouragement and wisdom, I came to love and know myself. There really is no greater gift than that. I would take the pain of losing him than to live a life free from sorrow. For I did not know how rich life could be before him. I did not know that the truth really will set you free. Because of him, I was able to free myself from the chains that I had put on years ago. Thank you, thank you, thank you for opening my eyes to this gorgeous life that I get to live every day!
My heart goes out to family, friends but especially Jeffrey Stocker, his life partner. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. You knew him on a level that nobody else did. You knew his heart and he knew yours. I know that you are aware how much he loved you and I hope that you find some peace in knowing how loved you are too. I grieve for myself but also for you. I am glad you were there to hold his hand and show him love. I look forward to seeing you again.
The pictures that follow are to honor his choreography and beautiful vision.